You Went Down the Wrong Warp Pipe
by Lucent Shadow
Summary: This is obviously a one-shot. Obviously. Also, this is not canon to my main series. There may be cannons hidden somewhere though.
1. You Went Down the Wrong Warp Pipe

_A/N: This is not meant to have any relation to my main series whatsoever. Thankfully. Though, I wouldn't be surprised if people didn't take it seriously after this. This is what happens when my mind goes rogue._

* * *

 **You Went Down the Wrong Warp Pipe**

Taking a leisurely stroll down a path he usually walked through on the outskirts of Mushroom City, Mario spotted a Warp Pipe hidden under the shadows of a high cliff. He could not remember seeing such a pipe there before. Though not feeling particularly adventurous, he was curious about where the pipe led to. And considering he could just turn back around if he got lost, Mario entertained the idea of going on a little detour. After mulling it over for a few moments, he made his decision.

Mario stepped onto the Warp Pipe and sank into its tubular chasm. The trip through the pathway felt familiar, but the destination did not at all register in Mario's memory. The Warp Pipe shot Mario out onto a flat, unknown field at sunrise. In front of him sat a stage with a plethora of music equipment, copious amounts of inactive lights scattered nearby, and a moose chomping on a bunch of pumpkins. No one else was around in the eerily silent field.

Without any prior warning, the entire world abruptly dissolved into a black void; leaving just Mario, the Warp Pipe, the stage and all its equipment, and the moose and his pumpkin meal. The moose stared at the plumber in red and blue as it continued chowing down. Mario flared a fireball in his hands with the impression that it would illuminate anything he could not see, but there was nothing in existence for his flame to reveal. Confused, Mario tossed his fireball straight down. He thought for sure it would splatter and disperse in front of him, but it did not. It just kept dropping further and further into the black nothingness until it exceeded Mario's range of vision.

"Oh, mamma mia," groaned Mario. "What could I possibly be standing on?"

The moose kept staring at Mario with a slightly cock-eyed gaze, taking his time chewing the pieces of pumpkin in his mouth. His chomping produced the only noise Mario could hear. When Mario decided to walk around, his steps made no sound, and he felt no ground at all under his feet. Yet, Mario did not fall.

Once Mario stopped moving, silence returned. The moose did not go for his pumpkins after swallowing what he had chewed up. For a long while, the moose just stared at Mario and did nothing. Just when Mario felt himself getting creeped out, the moose spoke to him.

"Answer this," the moose said. "Are you in love with a shooting star? That moves too fast for you to keep up with?"

"Huh?" Mario mumbled.

In an instant, bright rainbows stretched out from across the entire void in all directions. The rainbows melted into oozing colors that shifted and morphed into randomized assortments of shapes and sizes, all while music started pumping out from the stage's speakers. At 120 beats per minute, the instrumentals started off low and soft. But before long, the intensity ramped up.

Under the realm's dimming rainbow backdrop, Mario watched a marching band full of Shy Guys, koopas, and toads emerge from behind the stage alongside a slew of dancing flag bearing bears. The flag bearer bears came to the front and stepped in tandem with their rhythmic flag twirling routines.

Mario then heard clapping come from behind him. When he turned around, he saw a massive crowd of people gathering. The group consisted of just about every possible benign race Mario could identify. Soon, a large portion of the crowd brushed past him to huddle around the stage.

"Moist," the dancing bears chanted to the beat. "Moist... Moist... Moist... Moist..."

Mario clenched his jaw as he watched the bears dance, chant, and work their flags. "What..."

Bowser spun into the scene off of his shell in a pink and green tux with a jazz guitar in his hands. He riffed and breakdanced with ease on the stage. EDM lights flashed down on the jamming Koopa King and the dancing bear chorus.

"So soulful," Bowser sang, bobbing his head. "So soulful, I wanna flyyyyy..."

Luigi came up from the back of the stage, moonwalking to Bowser's side in a green-striped white suit with his hands on a matching fedora he tilted over his bowed face. While Bowser kept riffing to the music, Luigi stepped in place and made some vintage smooth moves smoother than that one Wario Ware game.

"The world ain't macaroni; I'm a blunt tool ready to _ro-ckoooooout_ ," Bowser sang. "I'm an all-star ready to break out – I'm ready to freak out! I'm ready to soooooar!"

A group of Piantas in tropical-styled shirts marched across the stage, chanting in tune to the instrumentals. "Onions have layers! Onions have layers! Onions have layers! Onions have layers!"

"Legalize it!" a teal Pianta yelled.

"Watch where ya goin', ya fool!" a white Pianta shouted upon bumping into Mario.

A gold Pianta walked over to Mario with a big green bong. "I got a 'Warp Pipe' filled up with some loud, my boy!"

"What's that supposed to mean?" Mario asked. He did not get his answer before he saw Waluigi strut up to him with his usual smugness about him.

"What did the five fingers say to the face?!" Waluigi asked.

"Huh?" Mario said.

Waluigi whipped his right arm across his body, striking his palm hard into Mario's head. "SMACK!"

"Yo – did he just walk up slowly? And smack him?" a nearby Shy Guy asked. "OOOOOOHHHHHHHH!"

"OOOOOOHHHHHHHH!" some bystanders hollered.

"Why did you do that?!" Mario snapped.

"Because your hat's jacked up!" Waluigi replied. "You got it set to 'M' for 'meh' when it _should_ be set to 'W' for 'WAH!' "

Sonic the Hedgehog grabbed the group's attention when he sped to a stop next to them. "That tornado's carrying a car!"

"How'd you get here?" Mario asked. Neither Sonic nor anyone else there responded, for their focus soon went to the tornado in the distance behind the stage. It did in fact carry a car in its rotation. Multiple cars.

Peach stepped onto the stage in a red, pink, and brown suit, bowing powerful staccato bass notes off of her cello. Her patterns became more dynamic the more she played, and she soon had her cello dominating the theme echoing all around. Donkey Kong rose up from underneath the stage with a disco jacket and a headset that featured a tinted eye visor, his strut to the front proud and swaggering.

"If he shoots ya, it's gonna hurt," Donkey Kong sang. He and Bowser then joined their voices together. "CG...coconut gun. CG...coconut gun. CG...coconut gun. Mmm...coconut gun."

"If he shoots your stars, it's gonna hurt! It's the CG – coconut gun!" the bears sang. "If he shoots your stars, it'll fire in spurts! Hit the left, right, and left – the left! And right and left!"

The audience stepped to the bears' singing, their dancing spirited and ecstatic. Unfortunately, someone caught a toad dabbing towards the back. Security guards promptly beat him to near-death and dragged him away.

Toadette shuffled around behind Bowser and stood next to Peach's cello, tap dancing with great speed and precision. The stage lights fluttered along with her steps, and Bowser followed her movements with the strums of his guitar.

At the sight of Toadette's mad tap dancing, the Piantas broke out in chorus. "She's quick! And nimble, and quick, and nimble, and quick, and nimble, and quick, and nimble- She's quick! And nimble, and quick, and nimble, and quick, and nimble, and quick, and nimble-"

Mario felt a tapping on his back. When he turned, he saw a young koopa wave at him. "Hiya, I'm Sed!" the koopa said.

"Hi there!" Mario replied. "I'm Mario."

"Oh, I know who you are!" said Sed.

"You do?" Mario asked.

"Yeah," Sed said. "My friend actually wanted me to come up to you and get you to come talk to her real quick."

Mario raised an eyebrow. "She wants to talk to _me_?"

"That's what she said!" said Sed.

Sed led Mario to a table where a stunning woman in a mono-red suit sat and fiddled with her indigo hat. As soon as he saw her face, Mario recognized her right away. Once she saw him next to her, she lit up with surprise.

"Pauline!" Mario hollered. "I haven't seen you in forever!"

"Oh, you actually came over!" Pauline replied. "Wonderful. Just...I never actually thought you ever wanted to see me again."

"I didn't know you were here," Mario said. "In fact, where are we even?"

"Excuse my COARSE and vulgar word selection," Waluigi said, walking up to the table with a Bob-omb in hand. "But you bunch of _Kooky Cookies_ need to help me out."

"Help you?" said Mario. "You just smacked me in the face!"

"That was my hand talking to you," said Waluigi. "I needed to grab your attention. Now listen – you see that moose in front of the stage?"

Ironically enough, the moose from earlier still stood in front of the stage where Bowser, DK, Luigi, Peach, Toadette, and all of the marching band and dancing flag bearer bears performed. He had resumed eating his pumpkins while the surreal, colorful party transpired around him.

"Yeah, I see the moose," Mario said.

Waluigi grinned and held up his Bob-omb. "Good, because we need to give this to him."

"Why?" asked Mario.

"Because that thing stole my pumpkins, ya hear?!" yelled Waluigi. "He's a thief! This is payback time! It's still Waluigi time, but it's DEFINITELY PAYBACK TIME!"

"Mario," Pauline said. "I wanted to talk to you, but if you're going to leave me again, then that's it. When you walk away, you won't hear me say, 'Please! Oh baby! Don't go!' Simple and clean as that."

"I'm not going anywhere," said Mario. "Waluigi, I'm not helping you bomb a moose in the middle of a large crowd!"

Waluigi groaned. "Loser."

"Did you guys know that the moon is shrinking by three feet per century?" Toad said, trotting up to the table with Wario and an extra large pizza.

"Oh, rad!" said Sed. "What kind of pizza is that?"

"Price is two coins for a slice, shorty!" said Wario.

"That's pretty cheap," muttered Pauline.

"Yeah, it is cheap!" said Wario. "This thing cost twenty-four!"

"That's not what I meant," said Pauline.

"That's a lot to have to shell out for some pizza," said Mario.

"HA! _Shell_ ," said Sed.

"It's because it's got stuffed crust," said Toad.

"Ooh," Pauline, Waluigi, and Sed said in unison. " _Stuffed crust..._ "

"I'll stuff you all in the crust!" Wario snapped. "You better be grateful I paid for this this time!"

" _This_ time?" Mario said. "Just where am I?"

"Huh? You mean you don't know?" Toad asked. "What drugs are you on?"

Mario stared at Toad, his eyes blinking numerous times in rapid succession. "What drugs is this whole place on?! There's a cow floating upside-down under a house!"

Sure enough, there was a cow floating upside-down under a house high in the sky. No explanation was given for that or for the adjacent Warp Pipes that did not attach to anything and just randomly cut off as if weightless and incomplete.

"Oh, that? I dunno," Toad said with a shrug.

"Oh boy, this is too much," said Mario. "You know what – where's the exit?"

Pauline reached out a hand to Mario. "Please, oh baby! Don't go!"

"I just wanna go home!" Mario snapped. "This place is crazy! I don't even know how I got here! Nothing's making any sense!"

The crowd up front gasped in raucous applause and threw money and flowers at a now bare-chested Luigi breakdancing alongside Bowser doing mad guitar riffs. When Luigi tossed his fedora into the crowd, tons of women – human, koopa, toad, Pianta, or otherwise – broke out into a rush to chase down the spinning hat's curving trajectory and trampled whoever got in their way. The moment the hat touched the ground somewhere, a massive pile-up developed on top of it. Donkey Kong flipped another identical fedora to Luigi for him to put on.

"IT SMELLS LIKE HIM!" a voice called out from under the pile of women.

"GIMME some-uh dat dere pizza!" King Dedede snapped at Toad, flipping open the box and taking a slice.

"HEY! I called dibs on the first piece!" Wario yelled.

"I don't care!" King Dedede replied. "I'm tryna get me some before that little pink thing gets here and inhales it all again! Oh-hey! Is this stuffed crust?"

"Mmm," Pauline, Waluigi, Toad, and Sed said in unison. " _Stuffed crust..._ "

"Yo, I heard 'stuffed crust!' " Sonic called out as he rushed to the table.

"I oughta stuff _you_ in some crust!" Dedede snapped. "Scram, ya moocher!"

Sonic swiped a piece from the pizza box and took off in a hurried dash. He ran away so fast, his feet pounded on the molecules of air and lifted him into the sky.

"SON OF A-" Dedede started to say. "Oh, he better not come around here no more! I'll kick that food-hogging hedgehog to the curb!"

"I think the more alarming thing was that he ran on air," said Pauline. "Also – Mario, you should be with me. Peach is a witch."

Mario scratched his head. "Huh?"

"Ooh, relationship drama!" Waluigi replied. "This oughta be good."

Before Waluigi took a seat in a chair, he chucked his Bob-omb behind his back. When he reached for a piece of pizza, the Bob-omb he tossed hit an Albatoss in midair and exploded over the area. The explosion not only added to the morphing rainbow sky and pulsating stage lights; it also blasted bits of roasted bird meat in all directions.

"What good is this?" Wario snapped at the green-tunic clad Link now standing beside Dedede. "These gems don't work here! Why didn't you go exchange them at a bank for gold coins?"

Link shrugged and grunted.

"So not only do you want _me_ to go order another pizza, but you're giving me _rupees_ to pay?" asked Wario.

Link nodded. "Yes."

"What anxiety are you suffering from?" muttered Wario. "At some point, you're gonna have to do more than make sounds and give one-word answers to people."

"I know," mumbled Link.

King Dedede slapped Link on the back and burst out in laughter. "Not very _courageous_ of ya, ain't it?"

"Just come back to New Donk City with me," Pauline said to Mario. "Forget about all that nonsense in the Mushroom Kingdom. Don't you miss me?"

"Why- what- where'd all this come from?" asked Mario. "Is _now_ really a good time to talk about this?"

"You won't return my calls," said Pauline.

"I get busy!" Mario said.

The gold Pianta from earlier with the big "Warp Pipe" tapped Mario on the back. "You sure you don't want some sticky icky icky?"

"What – no! No," said Mario. "I'm not – no."

"Man, I thought you'd be into the gange, my boy," the Pianta replied. He glanced at Link. "You want some of this?"

Link's gaze shifted between the people around him and the "Warp Pipe" the Pianta held. Eventually, Link shrugged and took the "Warp Pipe" from him. Everyone there watched Link inhale over and over, breath after breath. By the time he had finished, smoke flowed out in heavy puffs from his mouth and nose both.

"See, man?" the Pianta said to Mario. "You need to lighten up and get loose."

"Mario, I bet I'd be better up on that stage than Peach is right now," said Pauline.

"Woman, what is your problem?!" Mario snapped in distress.

Pauline shrugged and played with her hat. "Just saying."

"ARE YOU WITH US TONIGHT FROM MOONVIEW CITY!" Bowser roared into his microphone.

A large section of the crowd answered with ear-pounding noise. The music switched to a club beat more intensive with intricate groove tones and bass. Unfortunately, someone caught a koopa up front trying to whip and nae nae. Security guards promptly beat him to near-death and dragged him away.

Mario took a deep breath and readjusted his hat. "Okay, I need to find the exit. I don't care about anything else anymore. Somebody please tell me how I can get out of this place."

"I knew you had commitment issues," Pauline mumbled, looking away.

"That wasn't a backhand at you!" said Mario.

Link wrapped an arm around Mario's shoulders and shoved the "Warp Pipe" from the gold Pianta in his face. "Dude, you seriously gotta try this! I feel awesome!"

Mario pushed Link and the "Warp Pipe" away. "No! I'm not trying anything! Just tell me where the exit is."

"You want to leave?" the moose from earlier said from behind Mario's back.

"Yes, I do!" Mario replied. "Please, how do I get back to where I came from?"

"NOW I GOT YOU!" Waluigi screamed. He lunged at the moose and grappled with his antlers for about two seconds before the moose whipped his head and slung Waluigi all the way to the back of the massive crowd.

"Get bodied," the moose flatly said. "Now then, if you want to leave, you can either try to find the Warp Pipe that got you here somewhere in the crowd of people, try to go out the Warp Pipe at the front of this realm that would most likely take you somewhere other than where you came from, try the Warp Pipe on the other side of the perfume department connected to this place, or you can click your heels together three times and say 'There's no place like home.' Really, the last option would be the easiest."

Mario raised an eyebrow. "Would that even work?"

"I don't see why it wouldn't," said the moose. "But what do I know? I'm a talking moose. And you're the one talking to a talking moose."

"Well, I always hate going in the perfume department," said Mario. "I don't know where the 'front' to this place would be, and I don't like my chances of finding any pipe with all of these people around."

"I got a pipe for ya," Link said, giggling like crazy as he held up the gold Pianta's "Warp Pipe."

Mario frowned and grunted. "I'm gonna feel pretty stupid about this..."

Closing his eyes, Mario clicked his heels three times. Each time he did, he said, "There's no place like home." At the conclusion of the third clicking of his heels together and saying the special phrase, he opened his eyes and found that nothing had changed.

"I can not believe I fell for that," Mario muttered.

"I didn't say it would work," the moose replied. "I just said that it was the easiest thing to do and that I don't see why it wouldn't work."

"Come on, Mario," Pauline said. "If you really want to leave, why don't you just do what you're best at? Just jump, man!"

"Just jump?" said Mario.

"Yeah!" Pauline shouted, leaping from her seat. "Jump up in the air! Jump up, don't be scared! Jump up super high! High up in the sky!"

"I might be super high right now," Link said between laughs.

"LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!" Bowser boomed through his microphone. "Now comes our rendition for Maple Treeway! With accompanying FIREWORRRRRRRRRRRRKS!"

The announcement and change in tone and rhythm of those playing on the stage and the marching band off the sides of the stage sent the crowd into the loudest frenzy yet. Unfortunately, someone caught a not-so-shy Shy Guy to the right of the stage trying to "crank dat." Security guards promptly beat him to near-death and dragged him away.

"Oh yeah, here we go!" Bowser yelled, wailing on his guitar.

Peach plucked and strummed the baddest bass tunes Mario had ever heard in his life, and Luigi busted out some suave and even suggestive dance moves that riled up the crowd even more. Toadette cut off her tap dancing and got her trumpet ready. Donkey Kong moved to the drum kit by Peach to add onto the marching band's drums. Half of the flag bearing bears disbanded to ready the fireworks.

"Just jump, huh?" Mario said. "Okay. I'll try that. I just don't know how that could get me out of here."

"Just do it," said Pauline. "I believe in you."

Mario smiled and nodded. While the musical performance on stage continued, he crouched and focused all of his power through every muscle and joint in his lower body and arms. He put so much into his concentration that he unintentionally let some flames and sparks loose that flickered around his feet. Nothing could distract him; not even the Hammer Bro next to him doing "The Floss" or the security guards that promptly beat the Hammer Bro to near-death and dragged him away.

And then, it happened. The instant before the fireworks went off, Mario jumped. And he jumped high. Super high. Sky high, like that one planet in Milky Way Wishes. Pauline, Wario, Toad, Sed, Link, King Dedede, the gold Pianta, and the pumpkin-eating moose watched Mario soar far overhead into the rainbow-filled air above them; all of them awestruck at the sight.

Mario himself could not believe that he had not stopped accelerating, but he just went with it. The fireworks flying alongside him exploded at various random points, highlighting his legendary ascent. He passed even the floating cow, disconnected Warp Pipes, and the hovering house. Soon, he went far enough to the point where the land he had took off from faded away into nothingness.

Then everything was black again. Mario could still feel himself rising, but he had no idea where he was going. From what he could tell, he was stuck in a void. Yet, his ascent did not slow.

Twinkling bits of neon specks then fluttered into view. The world around Mario soon opened up into a spatial setting of cosmic proportions. Mario glanced in every direction and saw stars, planets, moons, asteroids, galaxies, and blackness filling all the space in between.

He let his now weightless body float in a slow twirl as he progressed through the expanse. When his head came back around, he saw four powerful, glowing entities – a toad, a Boo, a Goomba, and a koopa – all hovering together in a row in a seated, trance-like state. None of them reacted when Mario neared them, but they acknowledged his presence.

"The imaginary can become real," the koopa said.

"Absolute nonsense happens everywhere in the world, and often without any explanation," the Goomba said.

"Sometimes in enlightenment, you can not see what you can only see in the dark," said the Boo.

"Stop limiting yourself to what you know," said the toad. "Dive head-first into the unknown."

The next instant, Mario felt his body accelerate once more. He sped away from the four entities and hurtled through the cosmos surrounding him until he reached a point where everything blurred with his exponentially increasing velocity. Before long, he found himself now in a white void.

His speed slowed to nothing, and he could finally set his feet down – on what, he did not know though. At this point, he was completely lost. He trotted in just about every direction he could, losing track of where he had started from in the process. Out of breath and with no idea where to go, Mario stood in place and panted as he tried in vain to spot anything other than white.

For several moments, he found nothing. But then seemingly out of nowhere, he saw a crown sitting on whatever the ground was. The tall, four-pointed gold crown had a slick shine to it, and it possessed crimson rubies at the base of each of its long points. For some reason, Mario had a feeling that he had seen such a crown before. However, he failed to recall just where he recognized it from.

The playful laugh he then heard from a deep but feminine voice echoing throughout the void put Mario on edge and prompted him to flare a burst of fire in his right hand. Again, he glanced all around him. He found no source for the laughter he had heard. His eyes then went back to the crown that sat not too far in front of him.

Upon hearing the same voice start moaning, Mario tightened his stance and amplified the heat behind his conjured flame. Yet, he still could not find a potential source to the voice wherever he looked. The voice seemed too distant and distorted to have come from the crown, but there was nothing else there that could have produced it.

Shortly after the first moan, a second moan sounded off. The second moan sounded more subdued and even somewhat pain-driven. If anything jumped at him, he knew he was ready to retaliate. Problem was, he felt something ready to attack him when he could not even identify or detect anyone else there.

Mario stayed on high alert and waited for a while, but no extra sounds came. Only his breathing, the fire in his hand, and his shifting feet produced noise. The gold crown stayed inanimate and silent.

The next time Mario turned around and glanced in the direction opposite of the crown, he saw a singular Warp Pipe. The very sight of it made him flinch with surprise, for he had not heard it appear. It just popped up without any warning. If he had not turned around, he would not have known it was there. He felt his heart pounding in anticipation of a surprise attack and made sure he shifted himself around in every direction he could so no one would catch him off guard. At no point did he see anything else other than the crown and the Warp Pipe.

Mario had no idea what to do next. The Warp Pipe seemed to be the only way to proceed anywhere, let alone return home. With the utmost caution and attentiveness, he eased towards the large green pipe. He stayed utterly serious and intense all the way to the Warp Pipe and did not drop his guard or disband the flames surrounding his right hand until he had reached the pipe. Nothing burst out of the Warp Pipe, and Mario had not picked up on any other development in his current realm. The gold crown still existed in the same spot where Mario had originally sighted it.

Mario waited by the Warp Pipe for a little while. Nothing happened. Finally, Mario took a deep breath and relaxed himself. Once he dispelled his fire, he leapt into the Warp Pipe and sank inside. The realm stayed silent and inanimate, but the Warp Pipe sunk into the void's "ground" just seconds after Mario entered it.

Mario leapt out of the other end of the Warp Pipe to a welcome surprise. He landed on the same path in the Mushroom City Outskirts that he had initially diverted from, right by the high cliff with the hidden Warp Pipe. He felt a wealth of relief fill him over returning from the bizarre and surreal detour he had went on. However, the pleasant feelings dulled when he noticed that the Warp Pipe under the cliff had vanished altogether.

* * *

Mario relayed everything to Luigi in the kitchen of their home later that evening. Luigi listened to it all as he handled a pot of stew, but he ended up laughing more than he did take anything Mario said seriously.

"There is no way any of that could have happened, bro," Luigi said between chuckles.

"I swear to you, it did," said Mario. "If you were there, you would've seen it all, and you would've been too scared to even move! Actually, you _were_ there! Up on the stage! Doing all that dancing! And since when do you wear suits and fedoras?!"

"I've been here all day," said Luigi. "Don't you know how long it takes to cook beans?"

"I thought you were making stew, not chili."

"I can put beans in a stew. I'm the chef here, not you."

"Okay, well, if it really wasn't you, that guy up there really _did_ look like you. Same for Peach, and Bowser, and Donkey Kong, and Toadette, and Pauline, and everyone else that was there!"

"No, I'd be too nervous to go on a stage and do all of that. And I certainly don't have any fangirls. You're the popular one, bro. And Bowser playing guitar and singing? Come on."

"I saw and heard it all. You can't tell me that I didn't!"

Luigi laughed. "I'll give ya DK and the drums. But bro, I think you work too much. Maybe you should take the time off we have now to just relax and not try to look for trouble. The less we have to deal with, the better. That's what I say."

Mario sighed. "With as much that goes on in the world, we gotta stay alert, and...oh whatever. I'm tired. I think I'm gonna go clean myself up and turn in early tonight."

"That sounds good," said Luigi. "I think we're both still pretty stressed out from our last trip."

Mario nodded and headed for the door out of the kitchen. "Yeah, probably. I still say that all that stuff that happened today with that pipe actually happened."

Luigi smiled but gave no response. He kept his focus on tending to his stew and let Mario leave the room. Mario shook his head with a disgruntled expression as he climbed the stairs.

Once he heard Mario upstairs, Luigi's smile faded. His face turned stoic and overall emotionless. After he finished turning over his stew, he set all his equipment down and grabbed his phone. He then pulled up a specific contact and dialed the number.

"Hey, Peach?" Luigi said. "Yeah... Yeah, listen. Tell the others that we need a new spot."


	2. MILK

MILK.

After a taxing session of speed and jump training in the steamy midsummer evening sun, Mario trudged into his and his brother's cozy home. Sweat and stench leaked out of his soaked heather training getup, a sign of maximal exertion in the oppressive humidity that made up the typical Mushroom Kingdom summer climate. In contrast to Mario, Luigi was soaking up their home's air conditioning and taking it easy in house wear at their dining table. He kept busy typing away at some laptop-like technological device that Mario had not seen before.

"I think laziness was a good call today," said Mario, wiping at his forehead as he went into the kitchen. "It's nasty outside – even with the sun starting to go down."

"Why should that be any surprise?" said Luigi. "Half of what grows around here is either mold or fungus. Fungi? Which one is it?"

"It's worse than normal," said Mario. "I have to tell Toad that the next session's staying inside and that's that. If he wants to take it outside, I'm not working with him until summer starts waning."

Luigi shrugged as he heard clangs and sounds of cabinets go off. "He likes this weather. You can't blame him. I thought all toads liked this weather."

"But I'm not a toad."

"Then you should've stayed inside."

"We would have, if you showed up like you were supposed to. But because it was just us two, I didn't mind letting him have his way this time. At least he didn't sit in the house all day doing nothing."

"I'm sorry, but I had to set up my new laptop!"

"It takes all day to set one up?"

"I have to let it run through updates and setup protocol, for one. And then I have to personalize it and get its software and files up to par with my old one."

"Why couldn't you just stick with the old one? What was wrong with the old one?"

"That one was over six years old! The charger was going, the keyboard stopped working properly, and the screen was cracked and coming apart at the hinges where it closed! Let me tell ya – I am not getting an FO laptop anymore. FO needs to work on their hardware. The screen should not be without some sort of protection, and the very act of opening and closing a laptop is not supposed to be harmful to the laptop itself either!"

Mario walked back into the dining room with a protein shake in his hands. "Hey, it gave you six good years. You got your money's worth out of it, didn't ya?"

"Yeah, but I had to go without writing for almost a month because of how ridiculous that thing had got. Thankfully, I have multiple backups that I could transfer over to this new one so I can now resume writing proper. It's important to have backups of all your files so that you never lose your work or critical data that you can't replace!"

"Fanfiction is critical data?"

"I did not specifically say that fanfic is 'critical data,' but I certainly can't afford to lose all that I've written! Not in the middle of crucial plot!"

"I don't think anyone would care if all of a sudden, you stopped writing your fanfic. Why don't you write something original?"

Luigi frowned. "I'm trying, but I'm stuck on it. So I'm just gonna keep up with the fanfic, and hopefully, I will get my original writing flowing again."

Mario chuckled and headed for the stairs to their home's top level. "Okay, if that's really what you want to do..."

"There's nothing wrong with fanfic! Millions of people around the world read and write it! From Beanbean to Pi'illo! New Donk to Sarasaland! And about a whole lot more than you might think too! People have done plenty of great works flowering with originality based off of other people's characters! Or other people, for that matter! There's even fanfic of us! I can pull some up! Do you wanna see i-"

"No – NO! No," Mario insisted, hurrying to the top of the stairs. "No. Thank you, but...no!"

"Aw, too bad," said Luigi. "There was this one involving you and Bowser that I thought you'd get a real kick out of."

Mario did not respond, presumably because he was already into the upper level hallway and did not hear Luigi. After stretching out in his chair some, Luigi decided to go get something from the kitchen to drink for himself while his laptop installed a program for him to sync his phone to. He got out a mug and poured a healthy serving of milk from the mostly full gallon jug they had in the fridge. Something about drinking milk on an easy Saturday evening inspired a special feeling of snug relaxation, so much so that he finished off his cup without even realizing it.

Luigi emptied more milk into his cup and looked at the jug of the remaining dairy fluid. _Sometimes, the milk in jugs goes down so slow, it looks like it'll never run out_ , he thought.

Not long after he went back to the dining room, Luigi finished off his cup of milk again. The milk tasted creamier and thicker than usual, maybe because of the fact that he was drinking it on an empty stomach. Luigi figured that he would need to get something to eat soon, but setting up his laptop required too much focus and attention for him to get distracted with food. He still had more files to transfer and more programs to install, and he might finish too late to even want to stay up long enough to eat. Also taking into account his lack of appetite, filling up on milk did not seem like a crazy idea.

So Luigi helped himself to a third and fourth cup of milk, the fourth one being the last one he intended to drink. But upon pouring his fourth cup, the fill height of the gallon jug caught his attention. It seemed glaringly full despite how much of it he thought he had consumed.

 _Why isn't there a milk diet?_ Luigi thought. _I'm feeling full off of milk, and it seems like I've barely even used that much! I wonder what it would be like to base a diet primarily around milk..._

* * *

The next morning, Luigi came downstairs and saw Mario making a sky high stack of pancakes. Upon seeing the glorious golden-brown edible tower, the man in green's eyes popped wide-open in delight. He could feel his mouth salivating at the sight.

"Mornin', bro,' said Mario. "How 'bout some of these pancakes to start your Sunday? I've made enough to last close to a whole week!"

"Holy hotcakes, Mario!" exclaimed Luigi. "I'll take six right off that stack!"

"Six?! Unless you're just going to eat those by themselves, you must be super hungry."

"I just want a solid meal! All I had last night was milk!"

"Just milk?"

"Yeah! Well, I had, like, four big cups; and that held me down overnight, but my stomach's feeling really empty now!"

" _Four?_ Those must have been with the smallest cups we have."

"I just said that they were big."

"How big? The milk looked pretty full when I got to it this morning. Are you sure you had four cups?"

"They...what...how could..."

Luigi stopped talking and went straight for the fridge to pull out the gallon jug of milk. To his surprise, its fill level looked no lower than it did from yesterday. Given how many pancakes Mario had made, Luigi figured that the milk had to have lowered at least a little.

"Has this thing gone down at all?" mumbled Luigi, gazing at the jug.

"I was about to ask if you had some special separate milk sitting around in the fridge somewhere," said Mario.

Luigi got a tall glass cup out from a cabinet and poured a small amount of milk into it. He shook the cup around for a few moments, the fluid inside swishing in spirals. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary so far.

Luigi then left the kitchen and returned with a marker that he labeled the milk jug's current fill height with. He poured more milk into the cup until he had filled it up. When he stopped pouring and checked the fill height of the jug, it was the same as it was prior to him pouring milk out.

"Bro! Bro! Are you seeing this?!" Luigi hollered. "Look! Look! This is crazy!"

"What?" asked Mario. "I don't get it."

Setting the jug down, Luigi pulled out seven more glass cups and set them beside the filled first one. Luigi then took the gallon of milk and poured out tiny amounts among the seven new cups on the table. Mario watched him cycle between the cups over and over until, slowly but surely, Luigi had all eight cups filled. When Luigi set the milk jug down, it was still close to full and in line with the mark he had put on it.

"Look! Eight cups-worth!" said Luigi. "Eight cups! This is a one-gallon jug, isn't it?"

"Yes," Mario replied.

"That's supposed to be half of the gallon!" said Luigi. "But there's obviously more than half of a gallon left over!"

Mario raised an eyebrow. "What are they giving these cows nowadays..."

Luigi took one of the glasses and tried pouring it back into the gallon jug. Even though some leaked out around the side of the opening, most of the milk ran back into the jug. Perhaps even more shocking than their initial findings, the fill level of the gallon jug _rose_ some.

"Where'd you get this milk?" Mario asked.

"Where we usually get it," said Luigi. "Kingdom Foods. Last weekend."

"I was wondering why there was so much left over...because a gallon is usually done in about a week... And nothing seemed different about this one?"

"Not that I noticed. The label's still the same, it tastes the same, consistency's the same, price was the same... Should we get another one from there?"

"Why? I mean, if this is basically infinite milk that we've got here-"

"Well, we don't know if this is something that Kingdom Foods is now doing, or if this is just a one-off we lucked out on getting."

"I want to know _how_ this is even possible. We pour out, it doesn't go down. We put back in, it fills up. And how'd it go down the first time, then?"

Luigi shrugged and poured another glass of milk back into the jug, again making the jug's fill level rise. "I feel like we should see if another jug is gonna do this too. We could get a second one from Kingdom Foods; and if the same thing happens with that one, then we should try one from Toad Mart. And maybe one from Shroom Grocery. And if they all are infinite like this, then there must be some new development in the food industry that's allowing for this to happen."

"And if it's just this one that's endless?" Mario asked.

"Then...we broke reality?! Somehow?! Or this is a research experiment that got loose into the public that I drank four cups out of and we now have a huge batch of pancakes consisting of?"

* * *

"This is an interesting way to spend a Sunday," Mario said, walking alongside Luigi with a bag holding a new Kingdom Foods milk jug.

"What do you think we should do with our milk if we really are the only ones with an endless jug?" asked Luigi. "Should we open up a business? A restaurant where we sell all kinds of milk-based products? Oh! We should do that! We could call it...'The Milk Bar!' "

"There's already a Milk Bar," said Mario. "A bunch of them. They're more than successful already."

"Then we could call it...'The Milk Fountain!' And everyone can get their fair share out of an all-you-can-drink fountain of milk that we sprout from this jug! Oh no, wait – we could start a charity out of this! We'll travel the world, delivering this most nutritious beverage to all those starving and in poverty! We could have the key to ending world hunger!"

"What about the people who are lactose-intolerant?"

"... We could end _some_ world hunger!"

As the two continued down the Toad Town sidewalk on their way back home, a tall, spindly man in purple and black approached from across a three-way intersection. Waluigi sauntered towards them, holding his phone up over and behind him with a special pole-like apparatus. When he got near Mario and Luigi, Waluigi turned his head to look at his phone's camera.

"Check this out," Waluigi said to the phone. "Here, you can see two very devoted fans of mine. So devoted, they look up to me and try to dress like me. Ha! As if I need any more proof of how big I've made it! I have the best fanbase. Their colors are all wrong and garish, but at least they tried."

"Waluigi? What are you doing?" Mario asked.

"What are _you_ doing?" snapped Waluigi, frowning. "A gallon of milk is hardly a gift worth giving." He looked back at his phone. "These two have got a long way to go before they reach my level of success, as you can obviously see. Remember – if you want to give someone a gift, don't just give them some milk. That's just weird. Plus, you don't know where that milk's been. Which also brings me to another point! You never know just who might be trying to take you out, if you know what I mean." His eyes zipped across the street and at Mario and Luigi before going back to the camera lens as he leaned in close to his phone. "I'm almost certain that the green guy is actually jealous of me. Like, in an obsessive-creepy way."

"I am not jealous of you!" Luigi shouted.

"WHA- HEY! How'd you hear me?!" yelled Waluigi.

"You're standing right in front of us, and you made almost no attempt to lower your voice," said Mario.

"These two behind me?" Waluigi said to his phone. "Mark and Louie?"

"Mario and Luigi!" cried Luigi.

"You might have to watch out for these two," Waluigi continued. "They may seem to be loyal a lot of the time; but if you ask me, it often feels like they're up to something. You gotta be careful, because even your biggest fans could turn out to be your worst enemies."

Mario facepalmed himself. "Again, what are you even doing? Are you making a video?"

"I'm working on my _vlog_ ," said Waluigi, rolling his eyes. "Gosh! See, when people love you the way they love me, they want to get a look at what goes on in your life. And what better way to show them what you're up to than to record it so that they can see for themselves? It's like having a paparazzi that doesn't endanger you or breach your privacy, get it? Now, say 'hi' to all my beloved and highly-valued followers, subscribers, chirpers, and dear friends."

"Uh...hi," Luigi mumbled, giving a small wave to the camera.

"A little more enthusiasm would get you a long way, Luis," said Waluigi. "I might have to cut this part with you and Marty out if you don't stop boring everyone! Sheesh! What's with your lack of personality? No wonder you can't get any sponsors! You try and ask for a deal, and they'll be all like, 'WAH! Beat it, losers!' "

"I'm almost afraid to ask what you're doing for this vlog for us to run into you here," said Mario.

"I'm glad you asked, Moreno!" said Waluigi. "For this episode, I'm showing them around one of my favorite places, Mushroom Kingdom. So far, we've been to Moonview City, went across Moonview Highway into Mushroom City, and, just recently, we've commuted into Toad Town by way of hopping aboard the new and always reliable Wiggler Rave Trolley imported from the north – the world's fastest and only system of trolleys that can function as both a street train and a party bus, Wiggler Rave Trolleys are sweeping the globe and are the hottest up-and-coming innovation in transportation with fun and style, so make sure you get online and order a yearly membership with the special promo code 'WAH2K' for a monumental 64% discount on the initial sign-up fee – Wiggler Rave Trolleys, the one bus you'll never want to get off of. They'll get ya where you need to go, and you'll enjoy the trip too. Join the community today, before you end up on a waiting list...because there _will be_ a wait list! Anyways, we then stopped at the Fabbrica Della Casa Della Cialda e Della Cheesecake pour quelque crêpes avec des oeufs brouillés et un gâteau au fromage de carotte, and we are now en route to Toad Town City Square – or, as I like to call it, Toad Town Town Center – to check out that gorgeous outdoor mall. Then, they'll get to see one of the studios where I record the WAHcast!"

"The WAHcast?" said Luigi.

"It's a podcast!" exclaimed Waluigi. "That's what people do in the 21st century! Get with the times, chumps! What, you wanna live in a cottage with oil lamps and record players your whole life?! The world don't work that way anymore!"

"I was setting up my laptop just yesterday..." mumbled Luigi. "Touch screen...and...64-bit...yeah..."

"What are you punks supposed to be doing anyways?" Waluigi asked. "You're telling me you went out just to get a single gallon of milk and nothing else? Don't you have anything better to do?"

"We're doing an experiment!" Luigi happily replied. "See, we've got some special milk jug that we're trying to figure out if we're actually using up, so we're going to pour it and this other milk jug into cups and take several measurements on the milk height level of each jug in between pours!"

Waluigi stared at the two Mario Bros as if they had sprouted wings out of their hats. He shook his head and looked back at his phone's camera. "You see these two here? This is how _not_ to do things. You don't want to end up like them. _They're what we call 'weirdos.'_ "

* * *

Mario and Luigi got home and readied both jugs of milk – the jug presumably infinite in capacity, and the newest one they had just bought. While Luigi filled a measuring cup up with the first jug, Mario filled an equal-sized measuring cup with the second one. Both measuring cups had a capacity of two pints, which should have made a noticeable impression in either jug. As expected, the one Mario poured from did not lose any of its fluid volume. On the contrary, Luigi's jug lost a quarter of its milk.

"That's the only one," murmured Luigi.

"I can't believe this," Mario said under his breath, staring at the jug in his grip. "We have unlimited milk... And no one else does."

"Should we test something else, just to be sure? Maybe it has something to do with the fat... How about we get whole milk, and skim, and one percent? Or two percent? What if we got chocolate milk? Or strawberry? Wait – does the flavor matter? Er – should it matter?"

"No – this is definitive proof right here. Something – I don't know what – happened along the lines between the time this milk got created to the time it made it here into our fridge."

"Or before the milk was made. Like, genetic modification led to infinite milk-"

"How did they even get it into the jug?" Mario wondered aloud. "Why doesn't it just keep expanding? How does it not go down – does that milk taste any different from yesterday?"

Luigi took a swig out of the cup containing the special milk. "Nope, it's the same."

Mario put a hand to the side of his head. "This is so incredible... No, this is surreal. I just...I'm trying to wrap my head around how this could have happened, or how this even makes any kind of sense! But this is just- this is crazy! This is beyond crazy! We have unlimited milk! Unlimited milk that it doesn't seem like anyone else has! We need to get this out into the open! This could be the discovery of the millennium! Oh, we have to at least tell Peach and Toad about this first before anyone else-"

"Wait a minute, Mario!" hollered Luigi, getting anxious with his body language. "Do you realize what we have? We have the edible equivalent of gold right here. An endless supply of milk? How much could that be worth? Thousands? Millions? Billions?! We have to keep this protected! If anybody finds out that we have this, we could become targets! Rogue bounty hunters, thieves, burglars, raiders, gangs, mafia, _the government_ ; they'll be after either us, and our milk! We have to keep this a secret, and it has to be the best kept secret of all time! No one must know what we have! We can't take that risk!"

"But, Luigi-"

"We can't let anyone know about this! There might be people onto us right now as we speak! We could be in terrible danger, or we could be being watched without even realizing it! There's no way we can tell anyone about this! Not yet! We could be endangering ourselves and others if we let this discovery slip. No one can know-"

"Oh, come on, bro-"

"NOBODY! Not even...Miyamoto..."

Both Mario and Luigi went wide-eyed, their stares darting all around the room in every direction. After a frantic bout of head turning and body twisting, they calmed themselves and redirected their attention towards the jug of infinite milk in Mario's hold.

"Then let's make a decision on what we should do with it," said Mario.

"Bro, I'm scared," said Luigi. "Maybe we should just return it...or throw it away. Maybe this is too much for modern-day society to handle, and we should destroy it before it gets into the wrong hands..."

Mario sighed. "You just psyched yourself out way too much. I'm sure we can do something productive with this. We just need to figure out what the best thing to do with it would be."


	3. The WAH-cast: Episode 70 - Hour 1

_The WAH-cast #70: Hour 1_ :

A loud, manic dose of hybrid bluegrass-thrash metal music blared all throughout the sports-themed studio as four people gathered around their respective mikes at the main table and put their headphones on. The tall, stringy man in purple and black overalls was the first to speak into his mike and mix in his irritatingly gritty, nasally voice into the background music.

"WWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH – IT'S THE WAH-CAST! You wanna WAH?! YOU WANNA WAH?! YOU WANNA WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH?! I ain't stopping ya, because we're in a world where if ya wanna wah, you can wah loud and proud; this is WAH nation! Bababada-baba-BA-da-ba-BAAH-De-WAH nation! Bababada-baba-BA-da-ba-BAAH-De-WAH nation! Bababada-baba-BA-da-ba-BAAH-De-WAH-de-badada-badadada-ba-doo-doo-doo doo-doo-doo doo-doo-doo doo-doo-doo! YEAH! It's Waluigi time! WA-LU-I-GI yeah, yeah, YEAH!"

The bluegrass-metal played through on its own for a while, and it continued and would continue after Waluigi resumed talking. "7:02 central standard down in Mushroom Kingdom on a brisk September Friday evening! Whether you're listening to us live or later on on podcast, all that matters is that you're getting in your daily allotted time to WAH. It's about as perfect of a day and night as you can expect after an oppressive summer season, so there has to be a ton of people out and about. Thank you for choosing us to spend your early evening drive with, ya lousy bums... Broadcasting from the GP Auto Parts studios in Mushroom City; as always, joined by my producers Riggs and Magic Mark. Also, because it's a Friday, we have shadow wielder and amateur personal trainer, Andrew 'Shady' Mitchell, in studio. If you need someone to whip you into shape, he's your guy...because he's obviously too fit to sit in a chair like the rest of us here, even though he'll get tired after running a half a mile."

"We all have weaknesses," Andrew said.

"Oh, is that it," mumbled Waluigi. "By the way, those were a nice three picks you threw at Crystal Palace."

"Did I win the game though?" said Andrew.

"Three picks in the first half!"

"Did I win the game though?"

"To be fair, one of those was tipped," Riggs the Hammer Bro said. "And then the third one was on third down and was sixty yards down the sideline, so that may as well have been a punt."

"That wasn't tipped – that hit the guy coming across the middle right off of his fingers," said Waluigi. "And it was off of his fingers when he brought his hands up to try and catch a ball that was thrown high; and why was it thrown high?"

"I was overthrowing some people for sure," said Andrew. "I'll be the first to say that I was off that whole first half, but screw the stats, we got the W, that's all that matters in the end."

"Barely got it," said Magic Mark, a red toad. "Your punt returner almost fumbled the ball away with 2:20 left in the 4th, which would've put Crystal Palace in field goal range, and they'd be up by two scores before you even got the ball back."

"Oh, you know what," Waluigi said. "You need to fire your kicker. I know it's a rec league and all, but cut his ass and don't even waste time trying to coach him – his only job was to kick, and he missed all three attempts you guys gave him, it was so embarrassing, he should never see the field again, I could aim better kicking backwards in a driving rainstorm and thundering monsoon than he did last night; those were the worst kicks I have ever seen inside of thirty yards, and it is not even close. What was his name?"

"Nah, don't put his name out there-" Andrew started to say.

"Fabio Sandoval," Magic Mark said. "You'd think yoshis would be good at kicking."

"He had the distance, he just couldn't aim," said Waluigi. "It was like walking into a public bathroom stall – he put it everywhere but where it was supposed to go. I feel bad for the guy. Does he have eye issues? Is one leg shorter than the other? Did he have his cleats on the wrong feet?"

"I swear, he was kicking just fine the past few weeks," said Andrew. "Last night was a bad night for him, but he bouta bounce back next week."

"Yeah, he's gonna bounce more balls out of bounds eighty yards away from the uprights," said Waluigi. "Legit, the only reason you guys didn't lose last night is because their offense couldn't move the ball. I mean, their offensive line looked horrendous. It was dreadful. I didn't stay for the whole game, but I saw enough to know that they were awful. They went nowhere on the ground, and they had their QB running around all night for his life – it was a miracle they put up 23 points. They should not have scored 10 points. Okay? That quarterback is gonna have nightmares – he's gonna walk down the sidewalk and be paranoid because he's gonna think everyone's gonna chase him and try to drive him into the ground. He had to have run a marathon just trying to avoid getting sacked."

"I think those guys have been having o-line issues since the season started," said Riggs.

"Oh, those weren't just issues," said Waluigi. "The big bad wolf huffed and puffed and blew the whole line over on just about every play."

"You gotta give the guy some props for being so elusive with that poor protection," said Andrew.

"He didn't have a choice!" Waluigi yelled. "It was either run for his life or get his head knocked sideways!"

"Yeah, but that man was making some throws!" said Andrew. "He was opening things up with his legs, making things happen, making guys miss; like, that dude did just enough to give them a chance to win even though their offense was stalling. They get that o-line taken care of, nobody's gonna wanna play them. Their defense is already tough enough, but if they get that offense clicking? I tell ya what – some of those guys should be pros."

"Speaking of pros, how'd you like that game in New Donk last night?" said Waluigi. "Do you realize how much money I made people last night? I told everyone all week – take the points, it's a divisional game, Diamond City is on a roll, and New Donk is so embarrassingly overrated – and what did New Donk do? They fell flat on their asses! At home! All you losers on the Donkers bandwagon can shut up now, because you got worked on national TV, and your receivers dropped more balls than an all-boys middle school! Say goodbye to your undefeated season, you hacks! You plebs! Don't be surprised if you end up losing your next four too! How's 4-5 sound to ya? That sounds generous to me with how lucky you got in the first month! If you somehow make it into the playoffs, you're getting knocked out in the wild card round! Just don't even show up – don't get on the plane, don't act like you're the team to beat and championships are now just gonna magically fall into your lap overnight – be prepared for disappointment! It's coming."

"Yeah, we got to see the second half and thought that the scoreboard had typos at first," said Riggs. "48-11 should not have happened – what was that, a touch and a two point conversion with a field goal?"

"It was a safety and three field goals," said Waluigi. "They had a hundred and eighty net yards of offense all game. Diamond City had over three times that. Again, let this be known; the Donkers are a joke, a bunch of pretenders, their 4-0 start was a fluke, they might not break .500. Does anyone honestly expect the Donkers to do anything this winter?"

"Not at all," said Magic Mark. "I mean, you could say that this was just one game, but yeah; out of the remaining undefeated teams, they looked the shakiest and most vulnerable. They're not this dark horse everyone's trying to make them out to be. Not even close. And last night showed what happens when they play against the big boys."

"Alright, so, a ton to get into on the show today," said Waluigi. "We've got a stacked, loaded, engorged, throbbing, veiny weekend on tap; opening weekend for basketball and hockey, week five for football, last weekend of baseball before the playoffs start up, we've got The Worlds for cycling beginning Sunday morning, Starbeans Cup GOLF...to name a few, just a few, of this upcoming weekend's festivities as we're coming up on the calender end of summer...I know Shady's liking the sound of that."

"Why is Mushroom Kingdom a literal swamp?" said Andrew. "I feel like I'm walking through sludge and breathing in water-"

"Because there's mushrooms and fungi all over the place!" said Waluigi. "There's three things that are certain in life – death, taxes, and fungi and mold in the Mushroom Kingdom. That stuff likes this thousand-percent humidity here. This is the only part of the world where you can have sweat on top of your sweating sweat, am I right? Tell me I'm not right, and then tell me what it was like outside this time last week... Big, humongous, gigantic show going on, don't know how we're gonna fit everything into three hours, but we're gonna try. Riggs, I can already tell I'm gonna be extra raunchy today. I'm in that kind of mood. Expect to have to dump something. Maybe two per segment, just to be sure."

"You definitely caught me off guard with the dropping balls comment, but I should've expected it," said Riggs.

"That's right – expect everything," said Waluigi. "I don't know what's coming out of my mouth. I can't control it. I don't censor anything. There's no censorship here – nobody can censor me."

"Except for the station," said Magic Mark.

"Except for the station..." said Waluigi, ruffling some papers. "The number to get on the show – again, this is for those listening _live._ Don't expect anybody to pick up when you're listening to the podcast at two in the morning. Nobody will be here. We don't all just live here in the studio, waiting hand and foot for you to call us, fantasizing about hearing your voice on the phone for the five seconds before the connection drops because we live in a world where our phones can do everything except hold down phone calls... Number's 8002-553-700. That's 8002-553-700 if you wanna WAH... Toad Town's taking it to Kongo, 3-0 in the 75th minute. All three goals scored by Willingham, the rookie midfielder who seems to be everywhere on the field at once. How's that for a pickup – I mean, they were absolutely wretched until they picked that kid up. He has the most savage slide tackles and curve shots – it is absolutely ridiculous what this guy's doing to the league."

"He's already up to 15 goals on the season," said Magic Mark. "And he's only played in 12 games. He's by far the best rookie we've seen in the last decade, and nobody has any answers for him. It's like every game, he's doing something, whether it's scoring, assists, or defense across the middle of the field. They're averaging almost 60 minutes of possession per game, and over half of that is spent on the opponent's side of the field."

"You don't see that combination of _that_ kind of speed and _that_ kind of ball handling very often," said Riggs. "Barring injury, that kid's gonna have a legendary career if he keeps this up."

"If he keeps this up, we're picking Toad Town every single time for the rest of their season," said Waluigi. "What's their schedule looking like?"

"They've still got two more against Koopa Cape," said Riggs. "And they're both on the road. Other than that, they should be favored in all their remaining games."

"So do you think they're gonna run the table?" asked Waluigi.

"They could, barring whatever happens in those two games in Koopa Cape," said Riggs. "Those are the wild cards, but I don't see Toad Town losing the rest of the way. I mean, come on – Goomba Village? Petal Meadows? Poshley Heights?"

"Gross!" Waluigi screeched. "Who put their schedule together?!"

"They played into that schedule with the crappy season they had last year!" said Magic Mark.

"So you're saying that _that_ one rookie made _that_ much of an impact?" asked Andrew.

"Pretty much!" Magic Mark replied. "This time last year, Toad Town was dreadful like those other teams were; and now, they're gonna run roughshod all over those guys."

"So we're writing down Toad Town as automatic winners for every game left except for the two against KC?" asked Waluigi.

"I would for sure," said Riggs. "In fact, don't just do moneyline – do spread and lay the points when you can, because they've only had one win that was by a single goal. They've won by at least two when they do win."

Waluigi nodded. "Mm-hmm. We'll get into this weekends picks in the second hour. I'm sure everyone's gonna be crowding around their radios and podcasting devices for that, because all I do is win you roobs and knuckleheads fat stacks of cash. That's right; we hit 76 percent across the board last week. You try to tell me who's gonna get you better results, because I can't name anyone. All I do here is give you big, fat winners. Have I ever had a week where I've been under 50? Have I ever even been under 60?"

"Not that I can recall in recent memory," said Riggs.

"Uh-huh," said Waluigi. "We do nothing here but pick big, fat winners that get ya fat stacks that'll make your pockets fat. You'll never be in the red as long as you're listening to me, because I'm the only smart one knowledgeable enough and accomplished enough in working those Moonview odds into a consistent profit. You ready to hop aboard, Shady?"

"Not a chance," Andrew replied.

"Figures," said Waluigi. "You wuss."

"What do ya want me to say?" asked Andrew. "I never liked the idea of gambling."

"Yeah, of course you don't," Waluigi said. "Because all you like to do is lift weights, eat bland food, ride your little baby 150cc bike around in the slow lane and let old grandmas speed past you and give you the finger, watch sports without betting on anything, and then go to bed no later than 11 at night."

"Ain't nobody said I had to go a hundred miles per hour just because I'm on a bike," replied Andrew. "And I get twice as much mileage on the road compared to everybody else."

"If you're on anything under 200, you may as well just be on a bicycle," said Waluigi. "Ideally, you should be on something like Wario has. We're talking 400, 650, 800; _that's_ a motorbike. That thing you have looks like something that came out of a toy store on clearance. You don't even have the purple right."

"Wrong – I got the _right_ purple," said Andrew. "It's deep, it's dark, and it's warm. Don't come around me talking about 'I have the wrong purple' when your purple's looking like it's tinted blue."

"It's because I don't want to walk around looking like a bunch of grapes!" snapped Waluigi. "Get a real purple, you fruity eggplant!"

"I've got the real purple!" Andrew shouted. "My purple looks like purple! Your purple looks like blue! _And_ it's faded! Why don't you check yourself before trying to mouth off on my purple?"

"I'm the one wearing the purple that a man should wear," said Waluigi. "You're over there trying to look like fruit."

"Look – if you wanna wear blue, then wear blue," said Andrew. "Don't wear a purple tinted blue that looks like blue, and then say it's purple. You know what that is? That's violet. Indigo. That's not purple! You wanna wear violet, that's fine – don't go around saying that violet is purple."

"What are you two laughing at?" Waluigi said to Riggs and Magic Mark.

"Every single time he's in studio, you go at it over purple!" hollered Magic Mark. "It never fails! Every single time!"

"Yeah, enough with this," said Waluigi. "Didn't I already say that we've got too much to go over on the show today?"

"It's a wonder how we almost never have time for everything on the outline," said Riggs.

"Complete wonder," said Waluigi. "Now, listen to this; the fight between Julian Panichello and Donkey Kong is being postponed because Panichello tested positive for _four different banned substances_ on Thursday afternoon. Not one. Not two. Not three. Fouuuuurrr..."

"I thought I heard six somewhere," said Andrew.

"I'm telling ya – these guys think they're smarter than everybody else," said Waluigi. "Panichello is insisting that the reason for the results of elevated banned substances is because _he ate tainted meat._ What are they thinking when they give themselves a cocktail of drugs and then think that they'll get through testing without getting caught? I mean, to think they can cheat a test is one thing, but then to go ahead and try to pass it off as something that happened because he got meat from people pumping PEDs into their cows?"

"That's not even the bad part of it," said Riggs. "Actually, if you look at the test results, there is no way – like, even if he did eat tainted meat, there is absolutely no way that his readings are that high without some conscious influence there on his part. Like, there is no animal that is that dirty in nature, even from the sleaziest farm on the planet; and the fact that your body breaks down a lot of what is ingested orally of that stuff? No, no – there were pharmaceuticals and needles involved, and this guy knew full well what was going on."

"Panichello is looking at a suspension to last through the end of the year, at a minimum," Waluigi said. "Early reports are saying that he'll likely appeal – I mean, why even bother with this guy? Isn't this, like, the third or fourth time he's been caught doing something?"

"I hope his appeal gets accepted so that DK gets to knock him out," said Andrew.

"That'd be the one good thing about him being allowed to fight," said Waluigi. "I mean, honestly. This guy, should not even be fighting anymore – he should never see a boxing ring ever again. He should get a lifetime ban, and his house should get raided; because I guarantee you he's got, like, a drug cartel in his basement, or his attic. Somewhere in that house – like, he's got stuff in the kitchen, and people'll be saying that they're going to go to a party, and they go _there_ , and they leave the house jacked and shredded just off of being there, in the house, because there's so many drugs in there, the air there is polluted. You're literally breathing it in the moment you walk inside. Yeah, I'd buy that he ate some tainted meat – because whatever he's buying is soaking up all the steroid fumes in the house!"

"I don't think we really should get on the guy for the fact that he's taking them though," said Andrew. "I'm of the mindset that people can do whatever they want, so if he wants to drug himself out, then, hey, all the more power to him. Just don't compete. Don't go into a competitive environment when you know you have an unfair, dirty advantage – _and,_ don't lie about it."

"And don't make up BS excuses," added Riggs.

"What did he say for the last time he got caught?" asked Waluigi. "Wasn't it something about getting protein powder from an unreliable source? I swear – just, just ban him. Ban him, and don't anyone ever let him get near any boxing ring ever again. Don't even let him put on a boxing match on TV. Make him throw out all his boxing gear, and he can stick himself with needles and take pills as much as he wants. I hate cheaters. Can't stand cheaters – you have got to have no confidence in your game if you have to cheat. If you're cheating, you're acknowledging that you SUCK."

A few seconds of dead silence followed before Magic Mark spoke up. "What about when you swapped out the basketballs in that tournament two years ago-"

"The Mages are gonna activate their star ace from the DL, Davide Patricia," Waluigi casually said. "Patricia has been one of the only good Goomba pitchers in the SSB we've seen this year, but we've only seen him for two months before he went on the DL with shoulder issues... He's been on and off the DL all season because of the nagging injuries, but they're hopeful that he'll be healthy enough to use in the RL Divisional Series coming up in a matter of days. Do you have _any_ confidence that this guy's gonna produce for the Mages?"

"No, he's been out too long!" said Riggs.

"If you're a pitcher, and you have any issues anywhere along your throwing arm, I'm not counting on you to be in top form," said Magic Mark. "This has been bothering him for a while; don't put him out there in the playoffs. Save him for next season. Let him rest up, get whatever's going on with his shoulder sorted out, and then come back next year in top condition. They've got guys that have made up for his absence. Their starting rotation's not bad at all. They can survive. It's their offense that they need to be worried about."

"That could've just been them trying to cover up their offensive problems with pitching," said Andrew.

"Well, then they're gonna get exposed and exposed early if they can't get their bats going," said Magic Mark.

"I just wanna know where his shoulder is in his body," said Waluigi. "I'm not even trying to slander the guy, or be a douche, or be racist like some people like to think – I just don't know the anatomy of a Goomba. What's up with him slinging 90 miles plus and he's built like that?"

"You know what – it's easier if you just don't think about some things," said Magic Mark.

"Rookie quarterbacks Jake Rool and Jake Klap are both set to start for Mount Volbono and West Point this weekend," said Waluigi. "Which one of them was the racist, and which one was the egomaniac? Was Klap the racist one?"

"Yeah, and Rool was the one with the over-inflated ego," said Riggs.

"They're just terrible," said Waluigi. "I hope they find nothing but hard ground the whole time they're on the field. If I'm a defensive coordinator scheming against them, I don't want their faces to leave the ground for the entire game. I'm blitzing them hard and making them wish they never entered the league. I can't stand those two. You know who you draft to be the face of your franchise? Anybody but those two. Now you have to deal with the PR chaos and media circuit that they're bringing with them for the next 10-15 years, or at least however long it takes for you to cut their asses. WAH!"

"Would you say that they're worse than McShay?" asked Andrew.

"McShay who?" asked Waluigi.

"Captain McShay," said Andrew. "The Monty Mole? Linebacker for Lakeside Park?"

"Well, you mean _former_ linebacker," said Riggs.

"Oh, him!" Waluigi exclaimed. "That's right – there were _two_ games on last night, but only one of them was good. Speaking of just, just GIGANTIC D's- How 'bout this guy? This guy should be chastised and run out of town along with Rool and Klap and Panichello. Speaking of guys that should walk out into the middle of Mushroom Bridge and get run over – I mean, what a sore loser! What a pansy little baby! How 'bout this guy, in the middle of the game, quitting? In the IGFL, in the middle of the game – when has that ever happened in any professional sport anywhere? He just walks into the locker room, packs up his stuff, and leaves? Forever? How do you retire, in the middle of a game, this early in the season?"

"And without warning," said Magic Mark. "Everything looked alright – aside from Lakeside Park getting abused and beaten to death on TV. And then once the second quarter ended, he didn't talk to anybody, just walked in by himself, and nobody saw him come out for the second half. Apparently, the only people that knew were the few reporters that he talked to or who must have tried to talk to him while he was clearing out his stuff. And THEN-"

"What an absolute jackass moron," Waluigi said.

"AND THEN, had the stones – THE STONES – to put up some sort of 'retirement' post on Chirper," Magic Mark continued. "He had it all written out with some fancy picture background of him making a tackle on somebody, saying, you know, 'Oh, my body was failing me,' 'It's taken so much abuse,' 'It can't handle all of this wear and tear anymore,' uh, 'I can't in good reason keep doing this-' No, shut up! You left over 50 guys in that locker room behind, all of them getting their jaws snapped and kicked in ever since the start of the season, nowhere even close to winning a game – including that one – and you just don't show up for the second half?"

"And was he starting?" asked Waluigi.

"Yeah! They only had three linebackers active and healthy," said Magic Mark. "That means they had two linebackers active for the rest of the game, so they had to drop defensive ends back in coverage and bring up safeties all because this clown quit. Quit on the team. There's no getting around it-"

"Yeah, that wasn't retirement," said Andrew. "That was, 'Oh damn, what kind of hot mess am I stuck with here? This team's 0-3, going on 0-4, we're going nowhere, these guys suck, I'm not playing with them.' That's what that was – that wasn't no retirement, that wasn't him saying his body couldn't take anymore – the- why play? Why even suit up? If you knew your body was screwed up so badly, don't even go out there. Or, at least – I mean, the _least_ he could've done was wait until the end of the game to call it quits. Not in the middle! Or even, just go out there, talk to your coaches, and stand on the sidelines for the rest of the game. Be there for your team! Support them! Don't just leave! You know what they're thinking? They all know that they've been playing some bad ball, but this has to have made them feel like utter trash! They've got to be feeling horrible knowing that their teammate quit on them and didn't even finish the game with them!"

"You know what this reminds me of?" said Waluigi. "This is a classic example of a kid on the playground playing kickball, or basketball, or whatever, and quitting and leaving the game because his team's losing and he's not having any fun. That's McShay. Whining and complaining and moping around, giving up, because he wasn't winning. How bad is it that his parents named him 'Captain?' The irony is overwhelming. 'What's up, Captain!' 'YOU GUYS SUCK! I'M NOT PLAYING WITH YOU ANYMORE! WAAAAAAAH!' Go cry back to your mommy and daddy, you loser – you're the REAL loser in all of this. Not your team. YOU. You see how badly he's getting ripped apart on social media? Nobody believes this guy. They can't believe this guy, or any of his BS. He might be the most hated person on the continent before long. That is the most unsportsmanlike thing anyone could ever do, and he wasn't even a great player. He acts like he's some stalwart, or some key piece to their defense, but how many missed tackles did he have? How many times did halfbacks and fullbacks put him on his back? I'm not even talking about this year – I'm talking about in his whole career. He was good for causing turnovers, but that's about it. Mediocre at everything else. Great hands, great size; nothing else. They won't miss him."

"They _definitely_ won't miss him," said Magic Mark. "And if he tries to come out of retirement – because he's still only, what, 29?"

"Yeah – if he ever tries to come out of retirement or pull some stunt where he changes his mind and wants to come back, nobody's gonna sign him," said Waluigi. "He's done. He's not coming back on the field. That's it. Nobody's gonna miss him, nobody's gonna remember him, nobody's gonna care. He'll just be known as the guy who quit on his team because he couldn't handle being on a team. Because when you're on a team, you're on that team whether you're 0-3 or 3-0. That's a commitment and a responsibility, and he didn't want any part of it. The moment things started getting bad, he walked right out. Literally. He just said, 'eff this ship, I'm out'... I said 'ship,' Riggs. Don't give me that look."

"Just checking," Riggs said.

"Alright – we are way over break, aren't we?..." Waluigi said. "Yeah...Glazer's on the other side of the glass waving his arms around like a maniac... Later on in the show, we'll have our buddy, Rick Mack, from Enix, on the line to talk about opening weekend for the Hoops League and preview the season ahead, the impact the expanded rosters will have, and the rule changes voted on over the summer. We'll get into some of my picks across the major sports leagues – you know the deal, Superstar Sluggers Baseball, Hoops League, IHA, IGFL, boxing, MMA, EWML, GCU, WTA – 76 PERCENT LAST WEEK, people. Remember that... You guys who want to call in on the phones'll get plenty of time to WAH too throughout the show. We'll also have Shady give ya some more of his fancy fitness talk for the week, because we're coming up on that time of year where people like to get fat and stay lazy... And you're gonna need his help and advice after all that PARTYING you're gonna be doing this autumn, because I know you're all lining up to get your Wiggler Rave Trolley passes. And if you're not, then what are you doing with your life? I mean, really. Are you gonna burn your own gas getting around on a boring drive, by yourself? If you're gonna go somewhere, you may as well get there while partying like an utter badass rock star. And you all know what I'm talking about. That's right – Wiggler Rave Trolleys, the world's fastest and only system of trolleys that can function as both a street train and a party bus. Wiggler Rave Trolleys are sweeping the globe and are the hottest up-and-coming innovation in transportation with fun and style, so make sure you get online and order a yearly membership with the special promo code 'WAH2K' for a monumental 64% discount on the initial sign-up fee – Wiggler Rave Trolleys, the one bus you'll never want to get off of. They'll get ya where you need to go, and you'll enjoy the trip too. Join the community today, before you end up on a waiting list...because there _will, be,_ a wait list! Coming up next, the segment we've been hyping up all week! It's the _Ask Waluigi column,_ where all my stalkers'll get a chance to talk to me in person and ask me all sorts of weirdo questions before I put restraining orders on them. 8002-553-700, 8002-553-700, we'll be back in five and an update."

* * *

After some classic rock lead-in music following the commercial break and sports update, Waluigi turned on his microphone. "It's the WAH-cast, on Toadstool Network Sports Radio... The number's 8002-553-700, if you wanna WAH, or if you're lining up for _Ask Waluigi,_ the all-new spectacle of a segment on any radio that's sweeping the nation... We're in here watching the college football game on tonight, Beanbean U versus Olive Ocean State. 2OS is already up 7-0 with 9:42 to go in the first, courtesy of a 74-yard punt return; you would've thought they had just won the National Championship with the way the crowd celebrated."

"They don't have much to cheer for down there," said Magic Mark.

"They really don't," said Waluigi, the background music fading out. "They're a bunch of pansies that suck – their one win so far was against some candy-ass team, and now, their fans are cheering and going mad for probably the only touchdown they'll get for the whole game. Because let's be honest – they're _not_ gonna get in the endzone again. And their fans should know this if they've been paying attention to how their team's been playing the first four games. You see all those people jumping up and down? Their marching band and cheerleaders putting on a show? Give them ten minutes and see what happens. Give them until the end of the half, and I guarantee you they're going to be dead silent. Why don't they beat someone good before they start acting like they're somebody? Because let's also be very clear that I'm not buying Beanbean U either. They suck too, but not nearly as bad. Like, Beanbean U should blow out 2OS, and then Moonview State's going to murder Beanbean U in two weeks. And Beanbean U, with that sloppy offense of theirs – I wouldn't even want people to know if I was a fan of them. So what does that say about 2OS? They should just be glad they're even on national television. And we all know that nobody expected there to be some massive overhaul in the off-season and guys getting transferred all over the place and their front office restaffing, but, holy crap, the schedule makers must be offing themselves left and right, and in the most painful way possible. Like, they have to literally be committing, uh, sudoku, sekappu, su- seppuku, sepukku, like that guy in that one movie who was carving his guts out in front of people with his sword out of disgrace? That's what the schedule makers are doing right now, because they know they effed up and gave us probably one of the worst matchups on Friday night in the history of college football, and they know they're all getting fired for this. If they're not fired already. Neither of them were good enough to put in prime time in the first place based off of last year, so whoever approved the schedule needs to get fired too... Look. Game's tied. Extra point's up, tied... Beanbean U just marched right down the field because that secondary forgot how to run, and what coverage is... That stadium's sounding a lot quieter now, isn't it? Look – Look! Look at that corner! What was he doing with his hands?"

"I think that was him trying to swat the ball away," said Riggs.

"Doesn't he have to be _near_ the ball to swat it?" said Waluigi. "Does he have depth perception issues? It's like watching a truck hop across three lanes on MKH-55 to get into the fast lane, so that it can get off on an exit ramp to the right. Dude, what are ya doing? The ball's already passing over your head, and you're not nine feet tall with a ten-foot wingspan. You don't have extendable arms. Your hands aren't gonna morph into yoshi tongues. They keep showing the replay, and I still can't understand what he was trying to do. Did he know he got beat? Because for all intents and purposes, he's by himself. The receiver's way more than an arm-length away. If I'm an IGFL scout, I'm thinking, 'Don't draft that guy.' Just off of that one play alone. Don't draft that guy. I'm not gonna feel bad about not paying attention to this game. Watch; it'll be 21-7 by the end of the segment."

"I should've gotten everyone tickets," said Andrew.

"I would rather have a dinner date with a bloodthirsty jaguar who hasn't eaten in four days than go see those losers play," said Waluigi. "Until they actually start playing some solid ball, and win a game against a real team, I'm not stepping foot in their stadium. I'm leaving that hot mess to their fans."

"At least their fans are loyal," said Magic Mark. "There's that."

"Yeah, the one bright spot they have," said Waluigi. "That's the only thing they got going for them. _But at least their fans are loyal..._ Quick change of pace before we get back into the actual show; did you guys see any of the recently circulating...what, what is this – trend? A fad? It's whatev- it's gone viral, and it's, it's the most bizarre premise I have ever seen out of anything in existence, and it's the stuff that makes you question the collective world's sanity and has you asking yourself if it's too late to just detonate Bob-ombs all over the planet. Just spare everybody from our own twisted evils."

"I have a feeling you're about to tell us something really demented," said Magic Mark.

"I don't know – you be the judge," said Waluigi. "So for the past few weeks, or however long it's been, this made-up person that somebody created out of a fan-made comic strip? Is that it? She has gotten incredibly popular – like, she's literally all over the place. You type three letters of her name into the search box and she comes up as, like, the second recommendation. Like, people are in love with this fan character, and I don't understand why."

"She could just be a well-developed character," said Andrew.

"Oh, she's well-developed alright," said Waluigi. "Oh yeah, she definitely is developed quite well... I take it you guys haven't seen the pics."

"No, not at all – this is news to me," said Riggs.

"Alright, then here ya go," said Waluigi, turning his laptop. "I'm gonna let you guys have first crack at them."

A short period of silence followed, one in which Waluigi started snickering towards the end of it amid surprised gasps and confused noises from Riggs, Magic Mark, and Andrew.

"What in the HELL is this?" asked Magic Mark. Waluigi burst out in laughter the very next instant.

"Now that – okay, _that_ shouldn't happen," said Riggs. "Do you see...do you- Tell me this is not the girl. This is another prank, isn't it? It's got Waluigi stink written all over it."

Waluigi laughed even harder. "I'm not pulling a prank! This is what the world comes up with now!"

"That- that is actually terrifying," said Magic Mark.

"Riggs, did you get a look at the sixth pic?" asked Waluigi.

"How could anyone _not_ see that one?" Riggs responded, drawing even more laughter from Waluigi. "It's all right there in front of your face. That's about as up close and personal as you can get!"

"This is mind-boggling on so many levels," said Magic Mark. "I wanna know _who_ thought this was a good idea, how the creator conceived this, and what drugs were involved."

"Normally, I would say that this is par for the course with what the internet produces," said Riggs. "But from what I'm seeing, this is crossing many lines."

"Correction," Waluigi said. "Now, you just have to type in the first two letters, and she's the first option. Uh, the name's 'Bowsette,' by the way, of the girl – the fan-made character – I just showed the boys here. I'm just gonna put that out there right now for all you perverts listening who are curious. We're not gonna put the creator's name down, because we don't want to put him-slash-her on the spot; but, the character's prominent enough and easy enough to find that it wouldn't be very hard for you to figure out for yourself the pen name of the creator. This girl is literally a combination of Peach Toadstool, and Bowser Koopa. But really, it looks like they just gave Peach a Bowser-like hairdo, gave her his spiked bands, his horns, his shell, and, it looks like, his tail. And people have been freaking out about this chic for who knows how long."

"All I can add is that you better hope you have your safe search on when you're looking for this girl," said Magic Mark. "I can not even begin to imagine what would happen if you turned that off."

"You turn that off to get more turned on," said Waluigi. "Ba-da-dum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-" A rim shot sound effect then played and cut Waluigi off. "Wait, are we on the air? Check, check, hello – are we on?... Now, Shady, I noticed you've been kind of silent once I showed you guys the pics."

"I- I wish I didn't know or recognize what's going on here," said Andrew.

"Do you think she's hot?" asked Waluigi.

"I mean..." Andrew started to say. "Ugh – why ya gonna ask me something like that?"

"So, you're at least interested?" said Waluigi.

"I didn't say that!" Andrew snapped. "I didn't say that."

"But you didn't say 'no.' And you're still looking at her."

"... Because it's weird! It's hard to look away because it's just, just totally creepy!"

"Just stop looking at her!"

Andrew sighed. "I'm trying! But that smile! It's, it's just the smile in that one photo that's getting to me. It's making me feel uncomfortable."

"You can just tell from her smile that she's a baaaaad girl," Waluigi murmured. "I mean, she has got to be a total freak – and I've seen some total freaks first hand. You wouldn't believe the kinds of things girls like her would be into. You like bad girls, Shady?"

"Is it actually a girl though?" asked Magic Mark. "Because if it's supposed to be a combination of Peach and Bowser, I'm seeing a loooot of Peach up top, and I'm not seeing any shots of the lower body here."

"Oh, so you're thinking..." Waluigi said. "Oh...okay, so she's one of _those_ girls then."

"What do you mean?" asked Andrew.

"What do you mean, what do I mean?" said Waluigi. "How do we say it without getting in trouble with our program director?"

"She's got extra surface area up high, and down low," said Riggs.

"Is that something you're into Shady?" Waluigi asked. "A femme fatale with a little something extra?"

"Or a lotta something extra," said Magic Mark.

"Hey, if that's what he's into, all the more power to him," said Waluigi, laughing again. "You guys listening can't see this, but Shady's packing his stuff up and making his way for the exit as we speak. He's pulling a Captain McShay and leaving during the show-"

"I'm tempted to!" said Andrew. "This is why I only agreed to one day a week – there's only so much of your creepiness I can take."

"What's creepy about having needs?" said Waluigi. "We all have needs, man. I bet ya you'd be a good match if she was real. Yeah, she'd be all over you with that slithery smile of hers...be gettin' in all kinds of trouble...probably be wrestling for power in the throes of sloppy, lustful passion, jousting for dominance- Is this thing on? Check one, two. Check, one, two, three- Are we on the air?"

"Not for long, at this rate," said Riggs.

"You're always going too far with things!" exclaimed Magic Mark. "And we literally just got the live time slot two weeks ago!"

"Hey, I never said that this was a kid's show, did I?" replied Waluigi. "This is a show for WAH-ing, sports, WAH-ing about sports, and whatever the past ten minutes have been. They knew what they were getting into when they signed me on, and they wanted it! Do you know any other podcast that had a five-week run and got a live time slot just off of those five weeks? That's how good I am. And if I'm tainting any innocent, pure minds, I'm basically just speeding up the inevitable, okay? Let's just be real here. Little Johnny's gonna figure things out sooner or later. Honestly, they should just move us to the graveyard shift; that way, I can be as dirty and foul-mouthed as I want, and you all have to deal with it...and then, I wouldn't have to worry about being sent to HR."

"Still a lotta time left in the show," said Andrew.

Waluigi stayed quiet for a little while before talking again, during which time Magic Mark tried to keep his chuckling away from the mic. "Anthony in New Fungitown, you're on the WAH-cast; how's it goin', bud? Save the show, quick."

"WAH!" Anthony shouted through the phone line. "What's goin' on, man?"

"WAH!" Waluigi replied. "Already off to a good start on the calls. See, if we can get some more of just that, then the show would be saved in no time."

Anthony laughed. "Nah, man. Lovin' the show as it is. Let me just say though, man; that dude McShay did his team wrong for sure. I'm not gonna argue that. But...BUT...maybe this is one of those cases where he either thinks he can get out there on the field again, or he knows he can't but is trying to will himself onto the field. And either way, he just couldn't make it through the whole four quarters."

"You're saying he knew he was done, is that right?" asked Waluigi.

"Yeah, but he might've had some special willpower or something going on to where he forced himself back out there," said Anthony. "Until he actually got into the game, he thought he could get through it. But then, his body started failing him, and he couldn't keep up anymore. And, and maybe he actually got hurt in some kind of way before the half, and it was like, like some kind of epiphany to him. Like, he knew he was gonna get to a point of no return if he stayed out there."

"If that was the case, then why wasn't there any announcement of injury when he left?" asked Andrew. "Why wasn't there anything on his physical condition, either before the game, when he left, or in the post-game presser? Or this morning or afternoon? We got nothing. The head coach was even surprised by it. You could see it when that one reporter asked about McShay. He wanted no part of that question."

"Okay, but, it's not like this hasn't happened before though," said Anthony. "People quit in sports while the season's on-going. Just because they signed a contract doesn't mean they're obligated to stay through the year-"

"Hold on, hold on, hold on," Waluigi said. "When people retire during the season, it's on a day when their team's not playing, or it's immediately following a game. And even then, it's not often, because you expect to finish that season, and your team – your employer – expects to see you for the years you signed for on that contract, or for as long as the period is for whatever opt-out clause is built-in to the deal. And when you retire, you're not getting any more of that money on the deal. That's it. You'll have the percentage that was guaranteed, and the amount that you played for up until that point. So, these guys want to finish the season, whether for moral, monetary, pride, responsibility – whatever the reason, they're going to play their year out before they call it a career. Barring egregious injury or troubles with the law, they don't intend to retire in the middle of the season. It's very rare for that to happen as it is. And there has not been a single person who retired _while_ their team was playing a game, that he or she was a part of, and played in, and was suited up for."

"And the fact that we don't have any information, other than that he just walked out of the stadium without warning?" said Riggs. "What other conclusion are we supposed to draw here, other than he quit because he was on a losing team and couldn't take losing, and didn't want to be there for his team? Or, at least, he didn't care to be there for his team."

"Okay, but we don't know what was going on in his head," said Anthony. "I'm not trying to defend the dude, but we don't know what he was thinking, or what he knew about himself, or what the past few months have been like for him, or what's been going on in his life or his body that made him, er, prevented him from continuing, playing, the game. Like-"

"But that's the thing – _we don't know_ ," said Magic Mark. "We don't know anything about any of that. All we know is what happened last night. There's been nothing else to go along with it. I'm a hundred percent certain that no Magma Riders fans heard a thing out of the ordinary from McShay leading up to this game. Otherwise, people would've noticed the connection and pieced it together following him retiring. So what are we supposed to think? This guy did nothing but make himself look the absolute worst possible way he could have in a situation like this."

"Thank you for the call, Anthony," said Waluigi, letting his connection go.

"And to be clear, this has not, in any way, happened before," said Magic Mark. "For those that don't get what exactly happened, let's make this clear. NO ONE has _ever_ quit in the middle of a game – in the middle of a season, but NOT in the middle of a game."

"There's nothing like walking out on your job and responsibilities, and not being there when you're needed," said Waluigi. "Ask Kendrick Key. To McShay's credit, he showed up for a few games. And a half of one. Key doesn't show up for the season, never mind one game... Has he even so much as talked to anybody in Lionsbrook?"

"Nope, he's still holding out," said Magic Mark.

"Huh..." Waluigi grumbled. "Hope he's enjoying his 'vacation' and all his partying that he brags about on social media while his team has yet to win a game and is ready to fall apart at a moment's notice... We'll get into Key later, for sure... Alright, so are we gonna get this segment going or what? The phone lines are filled up now, and everybody that's on the line is on for _Ask Waluigi,_ right?"

"Yup," said Riggs, turning on some game show themed background music.

"Well then, ladies and gentlemen, here we go!" Waluigi shouted. "For the debut of the much hyped and anticipated _Ask Waluigi_ panel on the WAH-cast, here's what we're looking for! You get your asses on the phone lines, you ask what you want to know about me, and I give ya the answers! That's it! This is my second live week on the air, so I'm sure – I'm CERTAIN – that there are dozens upon dozens of hundreds of people CLAMORING to know the ways of WAH... What is this music?"

"It's for _Ask Waluigi,_ "said Riggs.

"Okay, that's fine, but you're making it sound like people are gonna win cars and vacations," said Waluigi. "We don't have the budget for that."

Riggs turned the music off.

"No – put it back on," said Waluigi. "Put it back on. I didn't say you had to turn it off. It's fine, but, if we're doing this again, find different music."

Riggs faded the same music back in.

"Alright, let's see who we have first..." Waluigi said. "Let's go to John, in Klemke. John! You're on _Ask Waluigi._ "

"Hey there, Waluigi," said John. "I just happened to turn your show on today, and I'm really digging on this Wah-cast thing you got goin-"

"Say it with emphasis," said Waluigi. "Like, you need some power behind that wah. It's the WAH-cast. We're proud to WAH here. We're not trying to hide it."

"The WAH-cast!" John shouted.

"There ya go," said Waluigi. "We'll get all these new listeners learned soon enough. What question do you have for me, bud?"

"I wanted to know what your sports background is," said John. "Because you seem very knowledgeable about everything that you've talked about so far – and knowledgeable enough to have such a high success rate on picking games and stuff, so, like, where are you coming from?"

"Good first question!" Waluigi said. "I've played pretty much everything there is. Baseball, basketball, soccer, strikers, golf, tennis – I mean, you can go down the list. I have _not_ done football yet. It is still relatively new around here, but it's a great game and I'm more than interested enough in it to know what the deal is with it, and I may try to get into it first-hand at some point in the future. But yeah, it's hard to come up with stuff I _haven't_ done. Unless you pull up some really obscure sport that's more of a niche than anything else."

"You haven't done weightlifting," said Andrew.

"Yeah, but who cares about weightlifting?" said Waluigi. "That's part of that obscure and niche category. I don't know how you find enjoyment out of throwing a bunch of heavy weight up over your head, just begging for it to fall out of your hands and crack your skull open and snap your spine in pieces."

"If you learn how to snatch and clean & jerk, you'll be stronger, faster, and more powerful," said Andrew. "I guarantee you. It has tremendous carryover to other sports. We're talking about whole-body movements-"

"Yeah, but I don't need all of that because I've got actual skill," said Waluigi. "Skill's more important than being physical. What good is being powerful and fast if you can't handle the ball? Or can't swing a racket? I say you're there to play a game, not be the most physically dominant person."

"That sounds like an excuse for staying skeleton-skinny," said Andrew.

"Play me in a game of tennis or basketball, and we'll see who's making excuses," said Waluigi. "There, did that answer your question, John?"

"It sure did, thanks!" John replied.

"Thank _you_ for calling," said Waluigi. "Next up, let's check in on Nash, from Donut Plains. Nash! What's up? You're on the air."

"Bro! You are the best radio host on the air, hands down!" Nash yelled. "Yo, I'm thinking about breaking out onto the GP circuit and want some advice from the best kart racer still racing!"

"I'll tell ya what you do, Nash," said Waluigi. "You get yourself started straight in the 150cc class. Don't go anywhere below 150, and jump up to 200 the instant you're taking those turns without losing out on too much speed. Drifting is key for that. Make sure you get the drifting down, because if you can't drift, they'll lap you eight times. And you wanna go up to 200 quick, because that's where the money is now. 50cc and 100cc are a waste of time and are for wusses. Just don't do it – it might be easier to race there, but nobody important runs those, and it's slow and boring as all hell. Got it?"

"Oh yeah, totally," Nash replied.

"As far as your starter karts, I recommend the Mach 8 or the B Dasher," said Waluigi. "Anything with plenty of speed will do, because once you learn how to drift, you're not gonna need to be concerned with acceleration too much since you'll keep most of your speed throughout your turns. You'll also want to tune up your engine and wheels so that you'll get more of a boost coming out of a drift when you reset your steering and kart angle to neutral. If you're gonna carry a bike, you get the Flame Runner – not the Flame Rider, the Runner – it's an older model, but quite frankly, it's still one of the higher-ranked bikes, and the updated Flame Rider is overpriced and doesn't hold up to its predecessor. And considering customization, you gotta find what works best for you and what you're good at. Get work done that'll play to your strengths. If you can handle cornering well, then up your top speed so you can take those corners quicker. If you're not good at cornering, you might have to sacrifice some other stats to make yourself more maneuverable. How's that for ya?"

"Excellent dude, I'll keep all of that in mind, thanks!" said Nash. "I'm gonna call back in when I get everything set up!"

"Can't wait to hear how it goes, bro," said Waluigi. "Look at that, Riggs. We've got aspiring kart racers in our audience... That call was nice. I like that one... Something tells me I'm not gonna like this next one though. Dorian, Lake Lamode, let me ask ya – are you a new listener, or have you been around?"

"I've been around," Dorian said. "Since, like, I guess your third week after my friend told me about you."

"Okay, because it says here that you're gonna ask me about music?" said Waluigi.

"Yeah, I wanted to know what your favorite types of music are, or is," said Dorian.

"Oh, dude, come on!" said Waluigi. "You should know this. It's like, most of what we come back with for lead-in music after commercial breaks."

Dorian chuckled some. "I don't really pay attention to it."

"Ahhhhh, that hurts some," said Waluigi. "You gotta get some bluegrass in your life, man. That stuff is the nectar of GOOODS... Everything else is either noisy trash or talentless garbage that puts me to sleep. Bluegrass, country, country rock...I've recently gotten into bluegrass metal – it is probably one of the best things I have ever heard. Heartpounding. It's what gets me up in the morning and charges up my WAH power to max capacity. Yeah, you...you should pay attention to our music. You might find something you like. Shady, what music do you like?"

"I guess, anything that sounds good," said Andrew. "Genre doesn't matter much to me. I'm actually really starting to like this kind of, hard rock, drum & bass style-"

"Sucks," Waluigi hissed. "Like I said, noisy trash. Yeah, Dorian, look up some bluegrass and get back to me on whether you like it or not and how I saved you from mainstream noise pollution."

"Will do, good sir!" Dorian replied. "I'm gonna look some up in the morning."

"You got plans tonight?" Waluigi asked.

"Oh yeah, we're catching one of those Rave Trolleys and heading out to a sports bar for a few hours," Dorian said. "That promo code came in handy, let me tell ya! Those things are live!"

"Wow, ya hear that?" Waluigi said, clapping his hands. "People taking my advice. I feel like I'm a minister, spreading the good word and wisdom to those smart enough and willing enough to be my followers and disciples. Listen, Dorian, you go out there, get hammered, and don't go back home until you've got the whole bar WAH-ing, alright? Be hearing from ya soon."

"I'll take the WAH to 'em, boss!" said Dorian.

"That's simply outstanding," said Waluigi. "Dorian, you're a good man. Good man. And what have I been telling everyone? You wanna get those passes before that wait list starts up, because word's getting aroooouuund... Mm-hmmmm... Let's go to...Christine, in Toad Town. Christine?"

"Hi, Waluigi!" Christine said. "I got on because I want to know why you like purple so much, and why it's your favorite color."

"Violet," Andrew said. "He likes violet, not purple."

"Really?" said Waluigi. "You're gonna sabotage the segment like that? Now?"

"Okay, violet then," said Christine. "Why do you like violet so much, Waluigi?"

"Christine, it's purple," said Waluigi. "Don't listen to Shady with his nonsense over there."

"Look here, man," said Andrew. "A purple – a _true_ purple, a REAL purple – is an even split down the middle between red and blue. 50/50, not the 30/70, 25/75, washed out violet-indigo that Waluigi wears that may as well be blue."

"Hold on – what do you mean 'real?' " asked Waluigi. "Because _your_ purple isn't even real. Mine is natural. You can find it in nature. Yours is artificially made."

"That's because a true purple is not found in nature," said Andrew. "Violet is natural, real purple isn't natural, and that's more than fine. Purple is a composite, man-made color. BUT, if you wanna get technical about it, the purple that's mixed with black in natural shadow power is more on the red side than it is blue. So, really, if you're not gonna be an even red-to-blue, you should be redder than blue. A 60 red to a 40 blue, or a 55 to a 45; there's the sweet spot. And I'll even say 65/35, because a purple on the redder side will look like purple, but a purple on the blue side will look off."

"Yeah, if you wanna walk around looking like a giant eggplant," said Waluigi. "When he wears all-purple, that's what he looks like, doesn't he? Like a liter of grape soda from a corner store."

"I wanna know what he says about Wario's purple," said Magic Mark.

"His is too bright," said Andrew. "It's too pale, it's not deep enough, and it's not dark enough. He's got an alright hue, but, no, I'm not a fan of his."

"Can you believe this guy?" Waluigi mumbled.

"Look – I'm not picky about a lot of things," said Andrew. "Maybe three or four things, I'm picky about. And the right purple is one of them."

"I'm sorry, Christine," said Waluigi. "This guy wants to act like he's some connoisseur of purple, when in actuality, he's not a true fan of the color. The only reason he has anything to do with purple is because he's socially obligated to wear some form of it, along with that shadow emblem, so that people can easily identify him as a shadow wielder. It's just a color that's part of his color code for him. It's not like he actually likes the color. _I'm_ the one that actually likes the color. I'm the one that willingly wears it and claims it as a personal favorite."

"I swear that purple would still be my favorite color, even if I weren't a shadow wielder," said Andrew.

"Yeah, and you still wouldn't get the shade right," said Waluigi. "Christine, are you a lover of all things purple? Is it your favorite color too?"

"What? Me?" said Christine. "Oh no. No, no, no. I don't like purple at all. I was wondering why you like it so much. I think it's ugly."

"Waluigi's purple is ugly, that's right," said Andrew.

"Christine, what's your favorite color then, if you don't mind me asking?" Waluigi said.

"Oh, green!" Christine replied. "I looooove green."

"Blech – are you serious?" Waluigi grumbled.

"I'm most definitely serious," Christine replied. "It's such a vibrant and calming shade, and it looks so lively and natural; it's so great. Don't you like green?"

"Green?!" Waluigi snapped. "Don't talk to me about green! I can't stand green."

"I can't stand purple," said Christine. "Why do you like purple?"

"Well, first of all, it's fairly rare compared to everything else," said Waluigi. "So it's unique and awesome, like I am. It's also badass, like me. It also makes it so that I'm not a dumb normie like 95% of the population out there. I need to be in a separate category from all the droves of idiots out there. You know, _I'm_ what made purple cool in the first place. Okay? If it weren't for me, _nobody_ would be using purple at all. You can barely find purple in stores as it is. I'm the ambassador of purple. Riggs, when was the last time we devoted this much time to purple on the show?"

"Probably either episode nine or ten," said Riggs.

"That's another reason," said Waluigi. "Purple better be something I like, if it gets this much air time. Thank you for the question, Christine. Movin' on to...Tyson, in Lower Star Hill. How's it goin', Tyson?"

"Hey, man – I've been a long-time fan of you since before you started the WAH-cast," Tyson said. "And congrats on getting on to live radio!"

"Thanks for your support, bro," said Waluigi. "What do ya got for me?"

"So, now that you've got your own podcast that's now a radio show too, when are you going to get your own game?" asked Tyson.

"That's a _great_ question," said Waluigi, cutting off Tyson's phone line and letting the dial tone sound off. "That really is a fantastic question... It really is. I should've known that one was coming, honestly. But that is a really, really great question. Next question..." The dial tone ran on for five more seconds before abruptly cutting off. "Kenny! In Koopa Cape! You're on!"

"WAH! What's up?" Kenny said.

"WAH! How's it hanging, buddy?" Waluigi replied.

"Dude, why aren't you on the roster for Smash Bros Ultimate?" Kenny asked.

The dial tone sounded off again, with Kenny getting hung up on. For a good ten seconds, the dial tone went on without any other noise going through other than the background music that had been playing for all of _Ask Waluigi_. After the dial tone ended, another ten seconds passed in which the music was the only thing heard.

"Who's screening the calls tonight?" Waluigi then asked. "Is it you, Magic Mark? Are you letting Shady screen the calls? I wanna know who let those two through... Stop laughing over there... I know where you all live."

"To be fair, the first guy said he had a question about your career goals," said Magic Mark.

"Did he mean Waluigi's goals for his career, or career goals in soccer?" asked Andrew.

"You know what – I actually don't know," said Magic Mark. "I just assumed it was goals for his career. And then, the second guy said he just wanted your thoughts on Smash Bros tournaments."

"So they both tried to stick it to me on live air?" said Waluigi. "If they call here again and try something smart again, write their numbers down. Unbelievable. Two in a row... Here's the thing – I have the kind of rap sheet where people either love me, or hate me – and there are a ton of people out there that hate me. I'm not gonna lie – I received a death threat two days ago while I was taking a dump. My phone went off, and the notification just said 'I'M GOING TO KILL YOU.' So I get more than my fair share of hate. But the people that love me? They REALLY love me. They're the most loyal, devoted people on the planet, alright? You become enemies with me, you're enemies with them. They'll fight you if they get the chance. I mean with actual fists, and feet, and weapons."

"I can attest to that – I've seen some of his fans," Andrew mumbled.

"Some of them are just straight up crazy too," said Waluigi. "Like, I ran into two of them a few weeks ago, and they're talking about doing experiments with milk. Two dudes – two brothers – 'experimenting,' with milk. How does that sound? Any of you trolls out there want to deal with them? They'll cut you to pieces and eat you like cannibals. Magic Mark, would you say that cannibals are zombies?"

"If a zombie is undead, then a cannibal can't be alive and be a zombie," said Magic Mark.

"But doesn't cannibalism make your brain rot and die?" asked Waluigi. "Being brain dead is enough to be a zombie, isn't it?..."

"Is brain dead _undead_?" asked Andrew. "Because I thought undead was being alive through some way that's not dependent on the body acting normal, or, like, pumping blood with a heart beat and there being circulation and-"

"If someone's brain dead, they won't be able to do anything if they lose all their blood or their heart dies," said Riggs. "A zombie doesn't have to worry about that."

"Why aren't there classes on zombie science?" said Waluigi. "I feel like that would help out, in case we get a zombie apocalypse out of nowhere. Maybe cannibalism actually is where zombieism starts... Jacob- Jacoby. From Wuhu Town – we're getting listeners from all the way out there? Jacoby, what's on your rotting mind? What are you dying to ask me?"

"Loving the show, man," said Jacoby. "But I'm curious as to why your name's 'Waluigi.' Is that your real name, or is that a stage or a radio name?"

"No, that's my real name," said Waluigi. "That's the name my parents gave me. Why are you named 'Jacoby?' "

"I dunno – that's just what my parents named me," said Jacoby.

"Exactly – I don't know why mine named me 'Waluigi,' " Waluigi said. "They just did. I wish they didn't. They're a couple of idiots. My parents. I haven't seen them in forever. Good thing I haven't. They'd ask why I'm doing this podcast-radio show, and doing all these sports, and partying, and making all these sports bets, and taking home all the women I do for late night festivities. Are we on the air? Is this thing on? I thought we were cutting to break after this guy!"

"We've got time for one more," said Riggs.

"Oh, now you tell me," Waluigi mumbled. "Thanks, Jacoby. Troy, in Super City, make it quick, we're up on it."

"Waluigi, dude," Troy said. "Did you know that the upside-down 'L' on your hat is actually also the letter Gamma?"

Waluigi paused, then took a deep breath. "NNNNNEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRD. Got anything else?"

"Nah, that's all I got," said Troy.

"Thanks for the call, bud," said Waluigi. "Alright, the phone lines are melting down here with calls. We're gonna have to extend this another segment. I gotta say, the response and interest this is getting is surprising. I'm feeling pretty good about myself, other than those two callers back-to-back that made me want to kill myself. Riggs, are you trying to say that we don't have time for more? I don't get what you wrote down here on the outline."

"We do," Riggs said. "But it's just going to have to wait until later on in the show, because we've got Rick Mack scheduled for after the break."

"Alright – all you guys on the phones, stay on hold," said Waluigi. "In the segment following Rick Mack, we'll resume _Ask Waluigi._ Right now, here's your sports update with The V, Vincenzo Glazer."


End file.
